A few weeks ago, I came before you to announce the declaration of war against the squirrels from the nations of beavers and the nation of whales. I warned of the need for immediate action against these immoral extremists that seek nothing more than to create havoc. Some of you valiantly answered the call - your aid is greatly appreciated and your sacrifices will be remembered for generations by the free peoples of the animal kingdom. But many of you remained neutral, assuming that the situation would resolve itself or that it would never reach your doorsteps.
Friends of the animal kingdom, I urge you, the torchbearers of freedom and civilization, to end your isolationism now. The conflict has escalated - we deal not only with radical warmongers in the squirrel population, but with a new threat: the flies. Today, I was ruthlessly attacked by the flies, who have adopted the
kamikaze ways of fascist Japan in the days of World War II. I was attacked today not once, but twice, by two different flies in two separate occasions. These flies were extremely well trained and they know no moral limits - they dive at full speed at their enemies, aiming cruelly for sensitive areas. One flew straight for my mouth and would have went in had I not closed my lips in time while another attempted to fly up my nose.
I should have personally seen the warning signs myself. About half a year ago, while I was going about my business in the bathroom, a strange incident occurred. A small fly, probably no older than a week, dove at full speed into the toilet bowl and committed suicide. I thought nothing of it then, but now I realize that these flies have been training and testing their tactics to perfection. This incident must have been one of their test runs.
While both attempts today caused no serious damage, this cannot be taken lightly. It is one thing to fight one insurgent population, but to fight two ruthless and violent species at the same time is no easy task. The flies have allied themselves with the terrorist squirrels, creating a partnership comparable to Hitler's Axis of Evil in World War II.
My fellow animals - the time for neutrality is over. I call upon you all today again, because this threat will not go away by itself. Your aid is needed, for the freedom and security of the entire animal kingdom is at stake. It may seem like just one incident here and there, but these species are predatory bullies. We cannot appease them - we must oppose them. We all love peace and serenity, but it is time now to fight - to fight for our happiness and our freedom.
On a side note... baseball season's almost back (woohoo!), so these crazy rants will probably go away soon...
