As of 18:00 on February 26th, 2010, I have ceased all diplomatic relations with the squirrel peoples. I come before you now to announce the declaration of war on behalf of the beavers against the nation of the squirrels. The squirrels have heartlessly attacked and abused the rest of the animal kingdom, unjustifiably wrecking havoc on those that want nothing more than peace. Repeatedly, we have tried a passive approach, hoping that the common sense would awaken in these creatures. We see now that this approach was faulty and ill-advised. These squirrels have no common sense; they seek nothing more than to disrupt our much-desired peace, institute anarchy, and terrorize the common animal.
Let us recall that last year, it was these same squirrels that made an unwarranted ruthless attack. As I walked under a tree, ignorantly but blissfully enjoying the passing of the rain, an agent of the squirrels made its move. Cowardly hiding in a tree, out of harm's way, it ambushed me - dropping a fear-invoking shower of water droplets that soaked my clothing. This was not the first time these squirrels have attacked - the animal kingdom has endured years and years of abuse from these creatures and we have done nothing to stop them.
Earlier this week, the line was crossed. Previously, the squirrels, at the very least, had respected our territorial integrity - confining their terrorism to the outside world - but this is no longer the case. An agent squirrel was spotted deep inside my apartment complex, presumably preparing for yet another act of terrorism.
This is the final straw. The oppression must end here. We, the animal kingdom, cannot allow a minority extremist group with no sense of morality to terrorize the world. With approval from the whale kingdom, I would like to ask for the support that the rest of the animal kingdom. The choice presented is clear: will you join us and rid the world of terror, or will you continue to live oppressed and abused by a bully species?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
How to lose 11 games every year
1. Draft Jamarcus Russell and surround him with crap.
2. Sign Shane Lechler to the richest deal ever given to a punter.
3. Pass on Michael Crabtree to sign a second round draft pick that nobody would bother considering.
4. Have Al Davis run things.
And finally, and most recently:
5. Sign Sebastian Janikowski to the richest deal ever given to a kicker.
There you have it, your Oakland Raiders: perennial 11-game losers and top-5 draft pick wasters. And you thought it was bad on the west side of the Bay?
2. Sign Shane Lechler to the richest deal ever given to a punter.
3. Pass on Michael Crabtree to sign a second round draft pick that nobody would bother considering.
4. Have Al Davis run things.
And finally, and most recently:
5. Sign Sebastian Janikowski to the richest deal ever given to a kicker.
There you have it, your Oakland Raiders: perennial 11-game losers and top-5 draft pick wasters. And you thought it was bad on the west side of the Bay?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Superbowl Recap
Well, they did it, despite me thinking the Colts would win (told you I'd be wrong). The boys from the bayou answered their call and brought back to New Orleans the one thing they desperately wanted - a Super Bowl trophy. More importantly, it gives the downtrodden city something to celebrate about - something to take their minds off the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Just a few years ago, the home of the Saints was used not as a football field, but for refugees seeking shelter from one of the worst storms in American history. A city once submerged by levee water now rules the roost in the NFL and the citizens of New Orleans could not be any happier. Anyway, enough of the feel-good stuff. Let's break down why they won:
Colts blinked first.
In a clash of titanic quarterbacks, Manning screwed up first. The game featured two high-powered offenses accustomed to bending other team's defenses at their wills. Expectations of a seesaw battle to the end quickly vanished, however, as Manning threw a costly interception on third down deep within Saints territory while trailing by 7 that was returned for a touchdown. The touchdown put the Saints up by 14, giving them all the cushion they would need, and effectively sealed the game. It was the first turnover of the game, and it hurt the Colts badly.
The onside kick.
Nobody calls on onside kick to when you're only trailing by 4 points at the beginning of the second half. Nobody except the Saints that is. In a game normally dominated by conservative play, Payton took the biggest gamble of his life and it paid off. The on-side kick gave the Saints a chance to take the lead for the first time in the game (which they did with their first touchdown) and completely turned the momentum in their favor.
Another crucial decision to be noted was Payton's decision to go for it on fourth and goal just before the second half. The Saints were stuffed, but even so, the Saints benefited from the decision. The Colts got the ball back pinned deep within their own territory and ended up punting away after failing to convert a first down with three running plays, leading to an easy Saints field goal before halftime. You may argue that the Saints could have just kicked the field goal in the first place, but it's important to note that they took the ball out of Peyton's hands. Had they kicked the field goal instead of going for it, Peyton Manning would have gotten the ball back with reasonable field position and 2 minutes to play. And we all know what Manning can do with that.
Garrett Hartley
Not only did Hartley break a Superbowl record by hitting all three attempts from 40+ yards, but he also kept the Saints in the game early on, when the game seemed to be dominated by Indianapolis. A rookie kicker that had already cost the Saints a game in regulation, Hartley proved clutch for the second straight playoff game, besting his elder counterpart Matt Stover in what was mostly a close game. The 9 points were especially important in the Colts' second to last drive, as it gave them a formidable lead that put a great deal of pressure on Manning that likely led to the game-ending interception.
Well, that's that. It was a close game overall, but the Saints found a way to squeak it out. Who knows? Maybe if they played again, the Colts would win, but none of that matters now. The scoreboard will always read 31-17 Saints for Superbowl XLIV and that's that.
So, what have we learned?
Colts blinked first.In a clash of titanic quarterbacks, Manning screwed up first. The game featured two high-powered offenses accustomed to bending other team's defenses at their wills. Expectations of a seesaw battle to the end quickly vanished, however, as Manning threw a costly interception on third down deep within Saints territory while trailing by 7 that was returned for a touchdown. The touchdown put the Saints up by 14, giving them all the cushion they would need, and effectively sealed the game. It was the first turnover of the game, and it hurt the Colts badly.
The onside kick.
Nobody calls on onside kick to when you're only trailing by 4 points at the beginning of the second half. Nobody except the Saints that is. In a game normally dominated by conservative play, Payton took the biggest gamble of his life and it paid off. The on-side kick gave the Saints a chance to take the lead for the first time in the game (which they did with their first touchdown) and completely turned the momentum in their favor.
Not only did Hartley break a Superbowl record by hitting all three attempts from 40+ yards, but he also kept the Saints in the game early on, when the game seemed to be dominated by Indianapolis. A rookie kicker that had already cost the Saints a game in regulation, Hartley proved clutch for the second straight playoff game, besting his elder counterpart Matt Stover in what was mostly a close game. The 9 points were especially important in the Colts' second to last drive, as it gave them a formidable lead that put a great deal of pressure on Manning that likely led to the game-ending interception.
Well, that's that. It was a close game overall, but the Saints found a way to squeak it out. Who knows? Maybe if they played again, the Colts would win, but none of that matters now. The scoreboard will always read 31-17 Saints for Superbowl XLIV and that's that.
So, what have we learned?
- Who dat that think they gonna beat dem Saints? Nobody, now.
- Never count out a team of destiny. Ever.
- Football is a game of skill, determination, and preparation... but sometimes, it just takes balls to win it.
- A defense CAN win a championship off turnovers.
- Drew Brees has cemented his position as an elite and future Hall of Fame quarterback.
- Manning isn't perfect, but then again, nobody is. He'll be back again next year.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Superbowl Prediction
Colts 38, Saints 22 - Colts explode out of the gates and take a commanding early lead that proves too much for the Saints to overcome (I'm still rooting for the Saints though). Manning wins MVP with three touchdown passes and 350 passing yards, Wayne catches a pair of TDs, Brees throws an early interception returned for a touchdown, both Thomas and Bush fumble, and someone gets run over by a truck in a beer commercial. Knowing my luck, the complete opposite of this will probably happen, but oh well, maybe I can counter-jynx the Saints so that they win?
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